Perspectives on 2020 – A story of courage, vulnerability and love

Exactly one year ago today, an amazing man decided he was ready to step into his vulnerability and tell the ‘intriguing’ blonde just how much he liked her.

Little did she know that he would turn out to be her twin flame; a fellow Starseed with matching soul chart planetary alignments…

This is a story of courage, personal growth and transformation. 

A story that may not have a Hollywood happy ending, but one that has nonetheless changed both our lives forever. A relationship that forced us to go deep within, to acknowledge our shadow side and to do the work required to release pain, fear and sadness and to live life from a place of pure unconditional love. A relationship that truly opened our hearts in a way we’d never felt before. 

The Universe always sends us what we need, not what we want. It’s always for our highest good. And while relationship endings can be painful, sad and feel totally wrong at the time, ultimately we grow into the person we’re meant to become: the best possible version of ourselves.

Looking back, as the woman I am one year on, it’s no surprise that my man showed up as the sun moved into Aquarius, at the dawn of the Aquarian age. And equally no surprise that our first day apart after our relationship changed shape was 11/11, the moment portals opened, planets shifted and the world breathed a sigh of relief as it inched its way closer to 2021. 

There’s so much to this story, to my story, and to the part it played in reconnecting me to my empowered feminine; remembering the essence of who I am, what I came here to do and who I came here to be. In fact, there’s so much I’ve learnt that can be shared to help, support and inspire others, I’m finally writing my book! My experiences, both in this unexpected and magical relationship and other aspects of my life’s journey, will become someone’s handbook for life; something they can learn from, play with and use to empower their choices and raise their vibration. 

While my book is being intricately (and slowly) woven together, I want to share this piece (below) I wrote for a collective book curated by The Unbound Press. It’s a beautiful collaboration by twenty incredibly talented writers and artists who each bring a slice of their wisdom and unique gifts to the table. It’s called#2020Vision – Unbound perspectives from a year like no other’ and can be  ordered from Amazon UK. (#soexcited) Launch date 25 February 2021.

(Please note: As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.)

Grab yourself a drink, get cosy, and read my perspective on 2020…

If you don’t experience life, you can’t write about it.

2020 was the year that brought me back to life.

The year that gifted me the most profound, transformational gift possible to any human being.

The gift of pure, unconditional love. 

And yet, this isn’t a simple romantic story of falling in love, with a Hollywood cliché ending.

It’s a story that goes beyond the depths of space and time to reunite a Starseed soul with her true purpose. 

***

Meeting my twin flame didn’t happen overnight. A chemical reaction took place at some point in the history of the galaxies. Planets collided, stars exploded and atoms split. 

A spark. A slow burn. A flame.

At the end of 2019, I broke my ankle whilst settling my daughter into her first year university accommodation. With an insignificant slip on a damp pavement, a loud crack and an instant feeling of nausea, something in the Universe shifted as subtly as the bones in my left ankle.

In the weeks that followed, stuck indoors with an inflatable boot, crutches and a never-ending creativity in how to make food while balanced on one leg and then transport it to the lounge, I decided I was ready to give up the struggle.

I’d had enough.

I’d spent over eight years as a single parent, only ever making ‘just enough’ money to make ends meet. A rising cost of living meant that the luxuries had slowly been eliminated. No more chiropractic treatments, massage or nice moisturiser. While much of it had been an essential and exciting budgeting learning curve, it left me with a deep-rooted fear of truly looking after and loving myself. 

I no longer enjoyed the playful nature of clothes shopping or the curiosity in discovering this season’s make-up colour trends. I stopped dancing around the house. I lost the joy in washing my hair. And I rarely went out – partly through a lack of money but also because I’d forgotten how to enjoy social situations.

I was lost.

Or rather, I had lost myself. 

And so, breaking my ankle forced me to sit still, accept help and truly embrace my vulnerability.

I decided in that moment that it was time to put me first again.

To nurture the beautiful soul within me and the human body that craved sensual touch and abandoned excitement.

I wanted to hang out with the wild woman within me. This gorgeous goddess that held the key to my ability to truly savour everything this lifetime had to offer.

I was ready to let love into my life in every corner of my world and every facet of my being. 

Within mere moments of setting the intention, the Universe showed up with the support I needed: a sisterhood of women in a monthly membership group, connections to new, beautiful souls and then, just a few weeks later, my twin flame showed up.

Except, I didn’t know that at the time. Neither of us did.

He made his way firmly into my heart within days of our deep, intimate online chats. He was ready to get to know the real me. He wasn’t interested in the superficial and he definitely wasn’t playing games. He simply wanted to peel back the layers and reveal my fears, my insecurities, my joys and my passions.

With every soft, delicate layer he removed, our connection strengthened.

For the first time in my life, I’d met a man who showed up consistently, every single day. Always a good morning and a good night. Humour, interesting conversations, stories about his day and random GIFs. Digital dating at its best. 

Flights were booked to meet in person in early March and our first meeting was laced with a powerful, yet gentle curiosity. We touched hands. We laughed and smiled. We walked in the wind, and took selfies by the sea. We drank tea on the sofa and talked about life.

Twelve hours after meeting, we had our first kiss. My feminine intuition allowing him to lead our connection wherever it wanted to go.

Within days of our first weekend together, the world shut down.

Coronavirus swooped in and threw us all into a new paradigm; a new way of being.

Parents battled home-schooling their children. Office workers struggled with technology. Restaurants and bars closed their doors. 

Suddenly everyone knew about Zoom.

For me, little changed. I continued to work from home and my youngest teenage daughter settled back into home learning. My eldest returned from university and we got into a new routine of food shopping deliveries, doing our own cleaning (or not!) and the occasional Indian takeaway to break the monotony. 

My man was my rock and my saviour throughout. He was always there with deep understanding, kindness and humour.

There was no need for me to ever doubt his feelings – and yet of course, I did. Twin flames are sent as a mirror to help us grow, learn and transform.

The misunderstandings felt like drowning in a black swamp of goo. 

In truth, we were both triggered by random words that struck us like an arrow to the heart. For me, this brought up old wounds, old patterns, old behaviours.

I never liked the version of me that reacted in this way. The ‘me’ who got scared about him meeting someone younger, slimmer, more wild, more of a water baby, more of a dog lover, more into snowboarding. Someone without kids, a house and bills to pay. Someone who could fly to Bali for epic adventures at a moment’s notice.

All negative, fear-based thoughts that triggered me to over react or back off.

And yet, every time I backed off or went quiet in a Facebook Messenger conversation, he’d be there with a hug. It was like he instinctively knew what I needed. I never wanted to push him away. I wanted him to hold me close. And never let go. 

As lockdown restrictions eased in July, we enjoyed a long weekend in a lush AirBnB property in a beautiful forest. It was everything we both needed. Cosy fireplace chats and wild sexual chemistry. The kind of intimate connection that opens you up to new levels and brings a sense of coming home amidst the ultimate freedom. 

Over the summer months, we enjoyed more weeks together with beach trips and new experiences. Watching the moonrise over the horizon, on a clear, star-filled night, sat on the beach wrapped in blankets was definitely one of our highlights.

At my home together, we worked on client projects while sharing intimate kisses and cups of tea at random moments. We showed each other it was possible to run a business and enjoy a healthy, satisfying relationship. It never had to be one or the other.

We gave each other hope.

We showed each other love in ways we’d never experienced before.

We filled each other’s lives with small moments of joy; little pockets of happiness in a crazy world. 

And it was beautiful.

But just as dark clouds pass in front of the sun, so twin flame relationships ignite something in us that we can no longer ignore. 

For many years I’d experienced a deep sense of longing and could never quite get to the bottom of why I felt that way. 

The Universe knew I needed something that would shake me to my core – and it had to be unexpected and delivered from a place of pure, unconditional love.

It had to be something that would transform me forever.

It might leave me temporarily bruised, battered and broken, but ultimately stronger, more beautiful and more filled with love than ever before. 

He had to leave. 

It wasn’t a break-up in the usual sense, just a deep-rooted knowing and intuition on both sides that we’d come to an impasse. We had no idea whether to go up, over or around – we just knew we were stuck.

It happened so quickly, so suddenly.

As the tears flowed and we held each other tight, we said ‘I love you’ face to face for the first time. 

And we both knew it was the absolute truth.

Our hands held each other’s faces and we sobbed messy tears.

I love you.

I love you. 

It was an ending neither of us expected, and yet in our heart-breaking, gut-wrenching pain, we knew somehow that it was the right thing to do. 

He flew back to the UK that morning and while he navigated planes, trains and somewhere to stay, I flitted between moments of deep clarity and dark moments of untamed sadness.

The next morning in the shower, and for the first time in years, it all come out. 

As the water ran over my naked, curvy body that had been held so tightly, romantically and sexually the night before, the tears began to pour out.

All the fears, struggles and challenges I’d faced, I let it all go.

 I sobbed.

It wasn’t pretty.

And yet I knew it was what I needed.

As the gratitude for this moment I’d been given rolled in, I realised this was my ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ moment.

I surrendered to the universe with an inner knowing that I’d be ok.

Except, I knew I didn’t want to be ‘just ok’. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to fly.

In the days that followed, we talked about what we were going through. We shared our feelings, our love and our gratitude for each other.

The love hadn’t gone anywhere, we just changed the shape of the container it was in. 

And then he wrote me a story…

A story where a struggling human had been able to find his heart through the love I’d shown him. That he had been opened up to love after being closed for so long. That he could now feel and had been given hope, light and a reason to live. 

He’d been given the gift of true love, entirely unexpectedly.

It would be easy to think that this was the gift I’d been given. To know that I’d helped someone to experience that kind of love.

Except with a twin flame, it’s never that simple.

And the love goes both ways.

He continued his story with a twist…

Unlike in the movies where the little Starseed would morph into that bright star she is and fly off into the sky as the film ends, giving the viewer a warm glow and a contented feeling of a journey completed, that wasn’t about to happen.

Instead, what the Starseed had missed was that this was actually her journey all along – not about the human she’d given her gift to. 

Her human had come all this way to be with her at this exact moment in time where he could give her his gift and watch her fly.

She felt for the first time like she actually belonged and knew her purpose. She opened her heart to the full experience of being human.

She cried and laughed simultaneously and felt this heavy weight lifting from her shoulders.

She knew then that she wasn’t here to do just one thing. She was given the gift of a human life to experience even more such moments by being her brilliant, beautiful, bright self.

The little Starseed realised she was enough. Always had been and always will be. 

All she ever needed to do was to fully embody the little Starseed inside this human form, shining bright.

She realised she could stop trying so hard, give up the struggle and just be herself. 

This was the Universe’s plan all along. A story of her transformation.

A transformation that would set her free, to transmute her gift in exciting ways to reach out and touch people. Seeing this, she was set free to create and turn her gift into limitless possibilities.

She finally saw the light in herself radiating outwards, filling her soul with everything she’d ever need and an abundance to share with as many people as possible during her time on Earth.

***

As I sit with this story today, I know in my heart that 2020 was so much more than a new chapter.

It was a complete plot twist that would transform life forever. 

I’ve been given a gift that will have a ripple effect around the world as I play my small part in shifting human consciousness. 

Where my story goes next, and what happens in 2021, no-one knows.

And yet, somehow, I’m filled with more love, peace and lightness than I’ve ever known before.

I’ve got this.

You’ve got this. 

And so it is. 

***

I wrote an eBook to support light workers at this time of overwhelm, noise and stress online.

Click here to download your copy of ‘The Light Worker’s Guide to Showing Up Online with Conscious Intention and Love’. 

(Choice between two covers so you can download the one you feel most drawn to.)

Healing the heart space is scary

Healing the heart space is one of the scariest things we can do.

I know.

Because right now I’m scared.

Scared to open up and be vulnerable in a way I’ve never been before. I know my coach is going to ask me questions that will be uncomfortable – painful even. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

But if I don’t do it I will stay here.

Stuck.

Forever in a place of ‘not quite enough’; a silent haunting that weaves its way through all aspects of life.

When I think about how I’ll feel once we start our coaching journey together I breathe a huge sign of relief. A full, long breath that forces my shoulders to relax and allows my heart to open a little wider.

My eyes begin to well up with tears.

I know that my coach will trigger emotions from deep within me that I have to deal with in order to move forward, rise to the next level and achieve all of my life’s goals and desires.

You see, having an open heart isn’t just about being an animal lover, a kind, compassionate human being or a loving, tactile parent. Having an open heart is about being able to dig really deep into the darkest parts of your soul and to allow those fears to surface; to shine such a bright light on them that they no longer haunt your every thought.

I’m ready to do the inner work and feel the love of the Universe radiate from deep within me. I’m ready to be courageous even through times of fear and uncertainty. I’m ready to choose vulnerable and feminine each time my masculine ego kicks in to take me back to where I’ve always been.

After all, as Albert Einstein said: ‘We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

However cliché it may sound, it’s time for me to step outside of my comfort zone.

I cannot evolve if I stay where it’s comfortable and safe.

It’s time to take a risk and know that the Universe is always there to support me.

If I’m feeling this way, chances are that you might feel this way too.

You KNOW you’re ready to step up your game in life, love or business but there are always excuses…

And when a coach (or friend, lover, parent or child) calls you out on your excuses, it’s as if you have an out of body experience where you can hear the words spewing from your mouth but in your heart you know they’re not true.

That’s why people trigger us when they call us out on our bullsh*t! We sometimes take it to heart as a negative judgement or harsh criticism because, ultimately, the truth hurts.

Now is the time to take that hurt and turn it into something that can bloom and grow into the life and love you’ve always dreamed of.

I’m ready.

I have faith that the Universe will support me every step of the way.

All it takes is that first step.

To commit.

To set the intention.

To say ‘YES, I’m ready!’

(At this point the Universe will probably throw its head back, laugh out loud and say ‘about time too!’)

I’m scared, but I’m ready.

Are you?

 

Lorraine xx

You don’t need to fix yourself

Instead of always trying to fix things, realise you deserve better.

Stop waiting for change. Make the change. Be the change.

You don’t need to FIX yourself. You are beautiful, loved and special just the way you are.

But you know something doesn’t feel right. Something is missing.

You blame your body.

You blame the food you eat.

You blame someone else for making you feel this way.

You blame the weather.

You blame a friend.

You blame the money.

You blame anyone or anything else for your feelings.

 

I used to do this. It was always someone else’s fault.

And then one day I woke up.

Well, it was more of a gradual awakening really.

I realised that I have complete and total responsibility for my own well-being. If I feel frustrated, sad, lonely, irritated, self-conscious, un-loved and un-special, then only I have the power to change that.

Every moment of every day, we have a choice.

And sometimes we’ll make the wrong choices – we are human after all.

I believe that even the wrong choices are the right ones because they give us a greater learning curve or send us on a journey to help us learn a specific lesson.

After all, we’ve all dated that guy we really shouldn’t have dated. We knew it wouldn’t work. We knew we’d get hurt. But we did it anyway.

And in dating the wrong guy it helped us reinforce exactly who the RIGHT guy is.

We’ve all done this with food too. Spent a whole holiday eating and drinking all the things we know our bodies can’t handle. But we’re ‘on holiday’, ‘life’s too short’, ‘everyone else does it so why shouldn’t I?’… Falling off the wagon can be a useful path too in learning exactly what does make our bodies feel really GOOD.

Remember that time you did that clean eating plan for a month? Remember how good you felt? Remember that time you had a personal trainer for six months and got the toned, fit body you dreamed of?

Take all those experiences and think about the times you felt REALLY GOOD in your life.

(And guess what? Some of those times when you were loving life may not have been your skinniest or when you were eating the ‘right’ food. It might have been when you just let go, embraced who you were and allowed experiences and love to take over!)

Grab some paper and a pen (or use your phone if you prefer) and write down:

1. The times in your life when you felt happiest. Include as much detail as possible. Where were you living, how old were you, what made you feel so happy/loved/special? What was your daily routine like? What kind of food did you eat? Did you do daily exercise? Were you learning a new skill? Who were you with? Try to bring the images to life with smells, colours, songs and words.

2. Now write down all the things that are good in your life NOW. Like a gratitude list if you like. All the things that make you happy and feel great.

3. What does your daily routine look like at the moment? Is that something that’s making you happy? Or is it causing you stress and fatigue? Write down all the good points of your daily routine; all the stuff you want to keep.

4. Now think about how you want to FEEL every day. Loved, nourished, special? Write a list of at least 10 words that describe how you wish to feel.

5. Next to each of those words, write down ways in which you can ensure that feeling happens every, single day. (Write in the present tense as if you’re already doing it)

E.g. I want to feel loved: I treat myself lovingly. I buy myself flowers. I wear my favourite colours. I wrap myself up in a warm blanket on the sofa. I spend time with my pets.

The final step is, of course, to take some action!

Ensure you treat yourself well every day so that you always feel loved/ special/ happy/ nourished/ appreciated …

Making a simple switch from a slice of toast and an instant coffee to making a fresh fruit smoothie or preparing a pretty oat bowl the night before will make so much difference to the start of your day.

Find the things that work for you, that fit in to your lifestyle/budget/family/values and that make you feel AMAZING!

Have a wonderful day!

Lorraine xx

Why Creativity is the Key to Saving Our Planet

When you were a child, did you used to enjoy making things just for the fun of it?

Did you find yourself lost in time building Lego houses, drawing pictures or creating collages with random scraps of material, buttons and ribbon? Perhaps you used to knit, crochet or sew, collect flowers for your flower press or make geometric patterns with a Spirograph?

Wasn’t it relaxing to just sit and make stuff?

And then…. we grew up. Our studies got serious, our jobs and social lives took hold and then we settled down with a mortgage, a puppy and a couple of children. Or at least some variation of that!

Suddenly we had no time or inclination to sit and create. The only time we read a whole book from front to back was on holiday by the pool. And then technology came along and swiped even more of our time away with videos and games we never even knew we needed.

Our whole lives became about consuming rather than creating.

We found ourselves on a treadmill of constant consumption. And it drained our energy, our life force, our innovation and our creativity.

In some strange way it’s as if we needed to get to this point today; a world in which Black Friday shopping madness, ocean plastic garbage patches and the highest rates of obesity and depression ever recorded are the norm.

It’s time for us to wake up and realise that we all carry the light within; the light that will save us and our planet from darkness.

“It’s only one straw. Said 8 billion people.”

Together, we are the catalyst for change.

United, we are the ripple effect.

Change begins inside you. It starts small. One less cheap t-shirt, one less plastic bottle, one less car on the road.

But just as most people fail in food diets because they focus on what’s being removed from their lives – the things they’re no longer ‘allowed’ – it’s important that we switch our mindsets away from scarcity and lack. Instead, we must focus on abundance, ease and flow.

And the easiest way to switch your mindset is by starting with gratitude.

Feeling grateful for all the small things naturally steers you away from over-consuming – in any form.

And once you stop consuming so much, you re-awaken your creativity.

You’re drawn to pottering in the garden, buying a set of paints or dusting off the old camera.

You feel an urge to declutter your wardrobe, take up hiking or start a vegan diet.

You’re inclined to spend time outdoors with your children or joining them in art and craft fun.

What have you felt drawn to?

I’ve noticed a big shift in our consciousness since 2012 – although I wasn’t aware of what was happening at the time. So many people I meet in person and through the online space have been on a journey of awakening. We’ve quit corporate jobs, taken our children out of mainstream schools, started our own businesses and begun a path of creativity and innovation. We’ve not been afraid to step out and show our unique gifts, talents and lifestyles to the world.

Perhaps you feel like you’ve been riding the same wave too?

It’s a wave of love, honesty, integrity and authenticity.

It’s a wave of connection, community, collaboration and compassion.

It’s a wave of self-awareness, reflection, personal growth and alignment.

I may not be a surfer chick, or even a water baby, but I’m riding this wave all the way!

I’m actively swapping my consumption for creation. I’ve got out the sewing machine, I’m digging out the knitting needles and I’m keen to try making a macrame wall hanging. (My godmother once taught me macrame knotting with the cords attached to her spiral staircase back in the late 1970s – how hard could it be now?!)

I feel a deep desire to create, from a place of love and meaning, every single day and I’d love to know if you feel the same?

Lorraine xx

If you’d like to read more about this subject you might like my recent blogs: The True Cost of Fast Fashion or Greed, Consumerism and the Era of Change