Perspectives on 2020 – A story of courage, vulnerability and love

Exactly one year ago today, an amazing man decided he was ready to step into his vulnerability and tell the ‘intriguing’ blonde just how much he liked her.

Little did she know that he would turn out to be her twin flame; a fellow Starseed with matching soul chart planetary alignments…

This is a story of courage, personal growth and transformation. 

A story that may not have a Hollywood happy ending, but one that has nonetheless changed both our lives forever. A relationship that forced us to go deep within, to acknowledge our shadow side and to do the work required to release pain, fear and sadness and to live life from a place of pure unconditional love. A relationship that truly opened our hearts in a way we’d never felt before. 

The Universe always sends us what we need, not what we want. It’s always for our highest good. And while relationship endings can be painful, sad and feel totally wrong at the time, ultimately we grow into the person we’re meant to become: the best possible version of ourselves.

Looking back, as the woman I am one year on, it’s no surprise that my man showed up as the sun moved into Aquarius, at the dawn of the Aquarian age. And equally no surprise that our first day apart after our relationship changed shape was 11/11, the moment portals opened, planets shifted and the world breathed a sigh of relief as it inched its way closer to 2021. 

There’s so much to this story, to my story, and to the part it played in reconnecting me to my empowered feminine; remembering the essence of who I am, what I came here to do and who I came here to be. In fact, there’s so much I’ve learnt that can be shared to help, support and inspire others, I’m finally writing my book! My experiences, both in this unexpected and magical relationship and other aspects of my life’s journey, will become someone’s handbook for life; something they can learn from, play with and use to empower their choices and raise their vibration. 

While my book is being intricately (and slowly) woven together, I want to share this piece (below) I wrote for a collective book curated by The Unbound Press. It’s a beautiful collaboration by twenty incredibly talented writers and artists who each bring a slice of their wisdom and unique gifts to the table. It’s called ‘#2020Vision – Unbound perspectives from a year like no other’ and can be pre-ordered from The Unbound Press ahead of the launch date of 25 February 2021. (#soexcited)

Grab yourself a drink, get cosy, and read my perspective on 2020…

If you don’t experience life, you can’t write about it.

2020 was the year that brought me back to life.

The year that gifted me the most profound, transformational gift possible to any human being.

The gift of pure, unconditional love. 

And yet, this isn’t a simple romantic story of falling in love, with a Hollywood cliché ending.

It’s a story that goes beyond the depths of space and time to reunite a Starseed soul with her true purpose. 

***

Meeting my twin flame didn’t happen overnight. A chemical reaction took place at some point in the history of the galaxies. Planets collided, stars exploded and atoms split. 

A spark. A slow burn. A flame.

At the end of 2019, I broke my ankle whilst settling my daughter into her first year university accommodation. With an insignificant slip on a damp pavement, a loud crack and an instant feeling of nausea, something in the Universe shifted as subtly as the bones in my left ankle.

In the weeks that followed, stuck indoors with an inflatable boot, crutches and a never-ending creativity in how to make food while balanced on one leg and then transport it to the lounge, I decided I was ready to give up the struggle.

I’d had enough.

I’d spent over eight years as a single parent, only ever making ‘just enough’ money to make ends meet. A rising cost of living meant that the luxuries had slowly been eliminated. No more chiropractic treatments, massage or nice moisturiser. While much of it had been an essential and exciting budgeting learning curve, it left me with a deep-rooted fear of truly looking after and loving myself. 

I no longer enjoyed the playful nature of clothes shopping or the curiosity in discovering this season’s make-up colour trends. I stopped dancing around the house. I lost the joy in washing my hair. And I rarely went out – partly through a lack of money but also because I’d forgotten how to enjoy social situations.

I was lost.

Or rather, I had lost myself. 

And so, breaking my ankle forced me to sit still, accept help and truly embrace my vulnerability.

I decided in that moment that it was time to put me first again.

To nurture the beautiful soul within me and the human body that craved sensual touch and abandoned excitement.

I wanted to hang out with the wild woman within me. This gorgeous goddess that held the key to my ability to truly savour everything this lifetime had to offer.

I was ready to let love into my life in every corner of my world and every facet of my being. 

Within mere moments of setting the intention, the Universe showed up with the support I needed: a sisterhood of women in a monthly membership group, connections to new, beautiful souls and then, just a few weeks later, my twin flame showed up.

Except, I didn’t know that at the time. Neither of us did.

He made his way firmly into my heart within days of our deep, intimate online chats. He was ready to get to know the real me. He wasn’t interested in the superficial and he definitely wasn’t playing games. He simply wanted to peel back the layers and reveal my fears, my insecurities, my joys and my passions.

With every soft, delicate layer he removed, our connection strengthened.

For the first time in my life, I’d met a man who showed up consistently, every single day. Always a good morning and a good night. Humour, interesting conversations, stories about his day and random GIFs. Digital dating at its best. 

Flights were booked to meet in person in early March and our first meeting was laced with a powerful, yet gentle curiosity. We touched hands. We laughed and smiled. We walked in the wind, and took selfies by the sea. We drank tea on the sofa and talked about life.

Twelve hours after meeting, we had our first kiss. My feminine intuition allowing him to lead our connection wherever it wanted to go.

Within days of our first weekend together, the world shut down.

Coronavirus swooped in and threw us all into a new paradigm; a new way of being.

Parents battled home-schooling their children. Office workers struggled with technology. Restaurants and bars closed their doors. 

Suddenly everyone knew about Zoom.

For me, little changed. I continued to work from home and my youngest teenage daughter settled back into home learning. My eldest returned from university and we got into a new routine of food shopping deliveries, doing our own cleaning (or not!) and the occasional Indian takeaway to break the monotony. 

My man was my rock and my saviour throughout. He was always there with deep understanding, kindness and humour.

There was no need for me to ever doubt his feelings – and yet of course, I did. Twin flames are sent as a mirror to help us grow, learn and transform.

The misunderstandings felt like drowning in a black swamp of goo. 

In truth, we were both triggered by random words that struck us like an arrow to the heart. For me, this brought up old wounds, old patterns, old behaviours.

I never liked the version of me that reacted in this way. The ‘me’ who got scared about him meeting someone younger, slimmer, more wild, more of a water baby, more of a dog lover, more into snowboarding. Someone without kids, a house and bills to pay. Someone who could fly to Bali for epic adventures at a moment’s notice.

All negative, fear-based thoughts that triggered me to over react or back off.

And yet, every time I backed off or went quiet in a Facebook Messenger conversation, he’d be there with a hug. It was like he instinctively knew what I needed. I never wanted to push him away. I wanted him to hold me close. And never let go. 

As lockdown restrictions eased in July, we enjoyed a long weekend in a lush AirBnB property in a beautiful forest. It was everything we both needed. Cosy fireplace chats and wild sexual chemistry. The kind of intimate connection that opens you up to new levels and brings a sense of coming home amidst the ultimate freedom. 

Over the summer months, we enjoyed more weeks together with beach trips and new experiences. Watching the moonrise over the horizon, on a clear, star-filled night, sat on the beach wrapped in blankets was definitely one of our highlights.

At my home together, we worked on client projects while sharing intimate kisses and cups of tea at random moments. We showed each other it was possible to run a business and enjoy a healthy, satisfying relationship. It never had to be one or the other.

We gave each other hope.

We showed each other love in ways we’d never experienced before.

We filled each other’s lives with small moments of joy; little pockets of happiness in a crazy world. 

And it was beautiful.

But just as dark clouds pass in front of the sun, so twin flame relationships ignite something in us that we can no longer ignore. 

For many years I’d experienced a deep sense of longing and could never quite get to the bottom of why I felt that way. 

The Universe knew I needed something that would shake me to my core – and it had to be unexpected and delivered from a place of pure, unconditional love.

It had to be something that would transform me forever.

It might leave me temporarily bruised, battered and broken, but ultimately stronger, more beautiful and more filled with love than ever before. 

He had to leave. 

It wasn’t a break-up in the usual sense, just a deep-rooted knowing and intuition on both sides that we’d come to an impasse. We had no idea whether to go up, over or around – we just knew we were stuck.

It happened so quickly, so suddenly.

As the tears flowed and we held each other tight, we said ‘I love you’ face to face for the first time. 

And we both knew it was the absolute truth.

Our hands held each other’s faces and we sobbed messy tears.

I love you.

I love you. 

It was an ending neither of us expected, and yet in our heart-breaking, gut-wrenching pain, we knew somehow that it was the right thing to do. 

He flew back to the UK that morning and while he navigated planes, trains and somewhere to stay, I flitted between moments of deep clarity and dark moments of untamed sadness.

The next morning in the shower, and for the first time in years, it all come out. 

As the water ran over my naked, curvy body that had been held so tightly, romantically and sexually the night before, the tears began to pour out.

All the fears, struggles and challenges I’d faced, I let it all go.

 I sobbed.

It wasn’t pretty.

And yet I knew it was what I needed.

As the gratitude for this moment I’d been given rolled in, I realised this was my ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ moment.

I surrendered to the universe with an inner knowing that I’d be ok.

Except, I knew I didn’t want to be ‘just ok’. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to fly.

In the days that followed, we talked about what we were going through. We shared our feelings, our love and our gratitude for each other.

The love hadn’t gone anywhere, we just changed the shape of the container it was in. 

And then he wrote me a story…

A story where a struggling human had been able to find his heart through the love I’d shown him. That he had been opened up to love after being closed for so long. That he could now feel and had been given hope, light and a reason to live. 

He’d been given the gift of true love, entirely unexpectedly.

It would be easy to think that this was the gift I’d been given. To know that I’d helped someone to experience that kind of love.

Except with a twin flame, it’s never that simple.

And the love goes both ways.

He continued his story with a twist…

Unlike in the movies where the little Starseed would morph into that bright star she is and fly off into the sky as the film ends, giving the viewer a warm glow and a contented feeling of a journey completed, that wasn’t about to happen.

Instead, what the Starseed had missed was that this was actually her journey all along – not about the human she’d given her gift to. 

Her human had come all this way to be with her at this exact moment in time where he could give her his gift and watch her fly.

She felt for the first time like she actually belonged and knew her purpose. She opened her heart to the full experience of being human.

She cried and laughed simultaneously and felt this heavy weight lifting from her shoulders.

She knew then that she wasn’t here to do just one thing. She was given the gift of a human life to experience even more such moments by being her brilliant, beautiful, bright self.

The little Starseed realised she was enough. Always had been and always will be. 

All she ever needed to do was to fully embody the little Starseed inside this human form, shining bright.

She realised she could stop trying so hard, give up the struggle and just be herself. 

This was the Universe’s plan all along. A story of her transformation.

A transformation that would set her free, to transmute her gift in exciting ways to reach out and touch people. Seeing this, she was set free to create and turn her gift into limitless possibilities.

She finally saw the light in herself radiating outwards, filling her soul with everything she’d ever need and an abundance to share with as many people as possible during her time on Earth.

***

As I sit with this story today, I know in my heart that 2020 was so much more than a new chapter.

It was a complete plot twist that would transform life forever. 

I’ve been given a gift that will have a ripple effect around the world as I play my small part in shifting human consciousness. 

Where my story goes next, and what happens in 2021, no-one knows.

And yet, somehow, I’m filled with more love, peace and lightness than I’ve ever known before.

I’ve got this.

You’ve got this. 

And so it is. 

girl by beach

Deliberately, consciously and intentionally choosing how I use my energy

After a hugely transformational year in 2020, I’m going into 2021 with a level of clarity I’ve not felt for a while.

It was the word ‘deliberately’ I saw on an innocent Instagram story that got me started…

More than a lightbulb moment, this was like a New Year’s Eve firework display! My body got excited, my mind sped up, I felt tingles all over and couldn’t write my thoughts down fast enough!

(When I feel this way I know that it’s an important download I can’t ignore.)

I realised that I wanted, needed, desired even, to be far more deliberate about what I do, how I spend my time and how I use and share my energy.

The online dictionary definition of ‘deliberate’ is: ‘Done consciously and intentionally.’ I knew in that instant that this was to be my theme for this year (or word, if you like).

To deliberately, consciously and intentionally choose how I use my energy. And to do that with grace, gratitude and devotion.

(Hey, I’m a writer, I can’t have just one word!)

It got me thinking about all the times I’ve said I’m going to prioritise my self-care but in reality I’m multi tasking…. Like taking a bath and watching a self-improvement video, or reading a book but constantly picking up my phone to message or reply to someone special, watching a movie and playing on Pinterest on my phone. You get the idea…

In that moment, everything became clear.

It always amazes me how we never realise how stuck we are until we get that thunderbolt of clarity.

In the few days since this new energy took over, I’ve chosen to consciously focus on ONE thing at a time. And while I don’t always succeed, on the whole I’ve managed it well, feel like I have 50% more hours in the day and also feel more happy with what I’ve achieved, more contented, and maybe even a little smug!

Even seemingly small things, like taking the time to call someone, send an audio message or write a letter rather than going back and forth with instant messaging or email can make such a difference in terms of focused versus scattered energy.

I’ve noticed already that when I’m deliberate with my intention and consciously commit to one thing at a time, I feel more calm and centred.

Of course, I’ll be taking this beautiful new energy into my intuitive copywriting business too.

After working with an incredible long-term client in 2020, I’ve realised exactly the type of work that most lights me up, whilst also bringing the most value and impact into the world.

I’ve explored deeper into that magical crossover between my clients’ passion and expertise and mine, and how bringing the two together consciously and collaboratively results in the creation of a truly transformational gift.

I’ll be sharing more about this in another blog, but in the meantime, if you’d like to deliberately create meaningful content with purpose in 2021 and would love a little of my intuitive copywriting magic thrown into the mix, drop me an email or DM on social media.

Lorraine xx